Thank you my friends....
PROLOGUE

So here it is.  I have a story to tell.  Now, I know that everyone has their own story to tell, and perhaps mine is not as interesting as it seems to me.  But, I am writing this down mainly for myself.  I also know that the people involved in this story will be very interested in my take on certain events and that my friends and family are curious about what exactly went on during my New York adventure.  So here it is, this is it.


Part 1 - THE FANATIC

When I boarded the plane at Pearson Airport on September 05, 2001 all I could think about was Michael Jackson. I boarded time before the plane took off for La Guardia Airport.  Thanks to my wonderful dad, I was bumped up into the executive class section, which made my flight very comfortable indeed. The Air Canada crew was wonderful as usual and we arrived at our destination ahead of schedule by about 15 minutes.

When I exited off of the jet way, I found the Internet friend I had made earlier this year anxiously awaiting me.  Lets call her Regan.  Now, Regan and I had been talking for about 6 months online and I was fairly comfortable deciding to come and stay with her for the duration of my visit.   She had made that offer to me after I had purchased her show tickets for the Michael Jackson anniversary special.  Currently she was unemployed and was afraid that she would not be able to attend the show.  Being the bleeding heart that I am I figured well, hey, if my husband isn't going to go then what is the difference anyway - its still two tickets.

My first impression was one of "holy shit, she looks like a fool!"  With  "Michael How I love you!" painted shirt and her spandex pants (which incidentally I believe are a privilege - not a right) all speckled with white flowers, I thought to myself, I have to be around this for a week?  But then I thought, "Jillian! Give her a chance!"  So I decided to do just that. 

The first thing I noticed was that Regan would not make eye contact with me, which was really quite bizarre given the fact that when online, this girl is very outspoken. But when faced with another breathing human being, she obviously had no social skills what so ever.  When we reached the car which was parked about 150 miles from the terminal, Regan pulls on this "telephone cord" that is hanging around her neck and into her shirt.  There she had many brightly colored key chains with a key on each one.  She pulls out one of these keys and opened the car door.  Now, I'm really thinking, "Oh Brother!"  And when she started to drive, then I thought I might die.  She took off like a bat out of hell with its ass on fire and frequently braked for hallucinations.  After zipping onto the highway ramp, she stopped dead to wait for a space to merge!  All the while she is telling me how crazy New York drivers are - herself excluded! When we finally reached her hometown in Long Island it was hard for me not to leap from the car and kiss the pavement!!!

We first stopped at the grocery store where I bought plenty of food for sandwiches, breakfast and snacks for the two of us.  Then, onto her home.  Well, Regan opened the door to her apartment and I was reminded of the foyer in my mother's home - only there was nothing else! The whole apartment was the foyer!  Each light switch (I believe there was only 4 in the place) was labeled - "Bedroom", "Kitchen" etc... There was one chair, a cot, and the biggest computer you could imagine.  On the walls were NYC maps that had about 2000 pushpins in them all marking places where Michael Jackson had been since 1981. In her closets, Regan had boxes of MJ collectables.  Now, I know that I have many wonderful Michael Jackson paraphernalia, but this girl - she takes the cake!  "This is a Kleenex that I think he blew his nose in, this is dirt from a shoe..." Not long after I arrived, I'm thinking, "Wow, how long until I can make up an excuse to get the hell out of here!!"

She insists on keeping me up showing me all of her videos until 2:00 am.  In a strange and sad fascination, I watched as she rewound like mad, and fast-forwarded over sections that she wanted to show me.  She could not seem to figure this VCR thing out.   Finally, after about 2 hours, which only resulted in about 4 30-second clips, Regan announces that we will have to be up the next day at 6:00 a.m. to catch a 9:00 am train.  So she decides to get my bed ready.  From out of her creepy "Michael Jackson closet" comes this yoga mat that is about as think as a black diamond cheese slice and made of sticky plastic.  Oh good!  I am given a chair cushion as a pillow (which is even thinner than the yoga mat) and her own stinky sheet from her bed to sleep with.  I keep telling myself, "Make the best of it Jillian, just make the best of it! "

Before we turn in for the night, I pull out the gifts that I have brought to her from Toronto:  A black Fadora, a stuffed beaver (ha ha) and some pure maple syrup.  She thanks me (or based on eye movements, maybe the floor I'm not sure which).  Then I decided to show her the banner that my sister and I had made for Michael.  It was a beautiful 1-meter by 3 foot broadcloth banner glittering from one end to the other.  Regan acknowledged its beauty but all of a sudden went off about the glitter!  She started stamping her feet and blowing like the glitter that touched her skin would burn to the bone.  "Don't get it near the bed" she hollered.  I couldn't help it any longer I started to laugh my ass off!  This one was completely batshit out of her mind!  I decided that sooner or later I would make my escape.  Once she calmed down we went to bed, and I giggled myself to sleep.

The next morning the alarm went off at 6:00 am as promised and Regan had her shower.  I sat around until 7:00 when the bathroom would be mine and I could have some solace.  Regan pulled from under her bed a "black but once was peach" towel and said, "This one is for you"  "Wow, I thought, how does someone make a towel smell like a dead camel?"   She was also good enough to tell me that she had to run in and get rid of two items that were lying around in the bathroom that may embarrass me  - I'll let you use your imagination on those!! After my shower, I learned the devastating truth that this chick with frizzy hair down to her ass had no hair dryer, but she was very accommodating by telling me that I could use the hand blower at the train station!!! 

I was ready at about 7:35 completely set to hit the city!  Sadly, Regan was still bumbling around trying to get her act together enough to head out. Watching this girl try to make herself a bagel was the saddest and most bizarre thing I had seen to date.  Pound it, slice it, pop it in the toaster oven, burn it, nuke it, wet it, try toasting it again, try nuking it again, then spread cream cheese on it with a butcher knife (one of the two pieces of cutlery she owned). After all that we missed the 9:30 train and she forgot to eat the damn bagel!!!  Before we left Regan put her new Fadora directly on the top of her head and secured it under her chin with a black elastic band - still donning the clothes that she wore the previous day, she was as ready as she was gonna get.

More fun in the car!!!  Then the trip to NYC - all the while I'm listening to her description of how terrible her newly acquired stressful job as a kiddie ride operator is!  Once we get to Penn station, we set out for the New Yorker hotel where I was eager to meet other fans, especially the operators of Michael Mania who I wanted to thank for my tickets.  As soon as we walked into the lobby, I felt like I was home.  All around me were people dressed like Michael Jackson or in Michael Jackson t-shirts!  I thought "Wow! I am home baby!"  I was able to meet two different fan club operators and stopped to give my condolences to a man who was there busily running the show only minutes after burying a good friend.

Next stop Kmart where I bought a dark green knapsack that was far more money than it was worth!!  Regan then told me that we should head over to the MTV video awards to see people arrive, the awards that she led me to believe we had some passes to - WRONG!  Instead I had the distinct pleasure of standing on the sidewalk for 7 hours waiting to see the man of the hour who SNUCK IN THE BACK!!!! During the process, she gave me the excellent tip that if I wanted to get to the front of the crowd, I should simply remember not to brush my teeth that morning, and to breathe with my mouth open!  To add to that, this nut doesn't believe in deodorant and was starting to smell like a filthy horse! I actually saw a girl from Sweden that I was eager to met and went to introduce myself.  I backed off immediately though, as at this point Regan really smelled bad and I didn't want this girl to think it was me!  That was really disappointing!!  Finally, I said I had it! and suggested we go to Michael's hotel to meet some of the fans!  Regan assured me that there would be no other fans as SHE was the only one who knew that he was there. 

When we arrived, there were approximately 200 fans already holding vigil across the street.  We stopped and talked to a few people here and there and soon one of the best things in my life so far happened to me.  As we were walking, I saw out of the corner of my eye, a nice looking young man coming towards us.  As I looked back at him, there was something I liked about him immediately.  I can't describe it other than it was like a "friendship love at first sight".  He was walking toward Regan, but looking toward me at the same time.  He introduced himself to Regan and immediately I knew him to be one of the people who sent me a recorded message to pass onto Michael through a CD I had been working on.  We will call him Peter.  We sat together for a while and chatted with others around us.  I was beginning to get the sense that many people thought Regan was a complete fool and my being with her began to get embarrassing.

I decided to walk down to the corner and get myself and the lunatic a drink (I had offered her my drink before but she was afraid of my germs - no, I'm not kidding) and just as I was coming back up the street I thought I would poke my head into the garage where Michael would be returning to the hotel any minute.  I knew I would only get a quick look before I was escorted back to the other side of the street behind the barricades.  Suddenly, one of the guards came out of the garage and pushed me out of the way and slightly into the garage! Security people were talking on their radios and in came Michael's signature van!!!   AND I WAS RIGHT THERE! When he would exit I would be within 30 feet of him!!   I had my camera ready and aimed when a huge scream came from behind, a unison of 200 voices:  "MICHAEL!"  Then, BANG BANG!! Down went the barricades and the crowd was running to the garage as the gate was closing!  I backed up completely forgetting about the king of pop and said, "Holy SHIT!"   I booked it out of the way and as the gate closed the fans rammed against it and smashed it in on its hinges.  Later, someone who was there said that they had been sure that Michael had looked in my direction when he laughed in a way that said, "Lady!  Now you know how I feel!!!"  So much for my first impression!

That was quite an experience!!  I looked around to see if I could find those new faces that I had been talking with but they appeared to be gone, so I settled once again for Regan and started the 1-hour journey back on the train to her postage stamp sized apartment.  We arrived back at approximately 3 am and Regan insisted on playing on the Internet.  I opted for my wonderful cheese slice mattress.  8 am brought the next morning wake and again the ritual of shower, bumble, and try to make a bagel began.  This time we arrived in the city at 11:00 a.m.  Immediately we went to the New Yorker hotel.  We discussed this hotel and Michaels to be two excellent meeting places in case we were to get separated, as there many fans were staying in both areas.  Most of the day was a complete waste of time running from one spot to another where Regan felt that Michael might be.  Not my idea of a good time.  We did stop over at Madame Tussaud's wax museum however, and because this girl was constantly stating, "Oh I'm so broke" I decided to treat.  A sucker to the bitter end I'm afraid!  After causing a whole spectacle in front of other tourists making me walk backward and blindfolded before seeing the wax Michael Jackson, I put on a little show for her so she thought that I was as crazy about the life size doll as she. 

After that whole deal we made our way back to Penn Station where I bought her dinner and we met another nice young girl who had wonderful stories to tell about her meeting with Michael a few years back. 

Soon it was time for the show.  I changed into my "concert gear" and we headed for the front of Madison Square Gardens. I noticed some scalpers selling seats for the front row.  So, just for fun I asked one of them how much?  "1500", he replied, so in jest I asked, "Will you take a check?" To which he replied, "No, but if you want to work something out, I promise not to c*** in your mouth!"  If I thought he was serious I might have taken him up on his offer!  JK!  As it was I ran screaming for the entrance to the building. 

Because I was dressed in the idea of the Motown 25 trademark Billie Jean outfit, three different news crews outside the building interviewed me about what it was that I loved about Michael Jackson.  That was a lot of fun.  I also took a picture with an MJ look alike.

Into the Gardens we went and made our way to our seats. The show was meant to start promptly at 7:40 p.m. There were three very nice men sitting behind us and I was pleased to have someone to talk with that did not smell and was not completely crazy.  Suddenly, Regan decides to announce that she would like to leave the concert early to go to the Tavern on the Green in Central Park to get a chance to see Michael up close as he was holding a gala dinner following the show.  I tried really hard to be cooperative but finally said, "No!  I paid a lot of money for these seats and I came to see the show.  I am not leaving early.  If you want to then go ahead."  She asked me if I would be able to find the Tavern on the Green to which I replied, "Yes, but it is not practical for us to be wondering around Central Park at 2:00 p.m. - I promised my family I would do things like that."  With that the conversation about leaving early and separating was over.

The show itself was quite a spectacle, from sound problems to big gaps in the performances to Marlon Brando being booed from the stage: it seemed that the concert was going down in flames!  However, once Michael and his brothers took the stage, the whole atmosphere changed! (Not to mention the fact that I completely lost my mind) I had decided to remain cool and calm even though this was the first time I had ever seen my idol live. But he played a dirty trick on me.  I had said to my friends before leaving for New York City that the only song that could really make me loose it would be "Can you feel it" and that is what they opened with! WOW! Michael dominated that stage for almost two hours and in the end the King of Pop was once again wearing his crown. 

Now that I had seen how easy it was for me to get my way with Regan when the show was over I announced that I was going to go and wait by the garage with my banner to see if I could catch a glimpse of the superstar.  She wasn't very pleased but came with me just the same, continuing her whining about going to the Tavern in Central Park.   On my way to the garage, I spotted Michael's driver sitting in a decoy vehicle, so I turned to him and said, "We love you to Andy!"  He looked at me in rather a shocked manner and then flashed a friendly smile.  At the garage, I spoke with other fans and waited patiently behind a barricade holding up my shiny banner. 

Soon a long black stretch limo pulled out.  I smiled very sweetly at the back window while other fans still focused their attention on the black van that followed.  All of a sudden the jig was up, as the limo turned out of the driveway, something gave Michael's presence away and the mob scene commenced!  Eager to please, Michael rolled down his window to accept gifts from the hoards of fans rushing both sides of the limo.  Without really realizing how I had gotten there, I found myself standing at the back of the car, in front of the trunk.  There was no one on either side of me as they were trying desperately to catch Mikes eye from the sides of the car.  I thought to myself, "Holy crap!  I'm five feet from MICHAEL JACKSON!"  So, I kissed my hand and placed the kiss on his back window, then took a photo that ended up showing nothing but a tinted window.  With that accomplished I stepped back away from the car and onto the sidewalk.  As I positioned myself out of the way of all the fans, I noticed Andy looking at me in an amused sort of way. Then he gave me a wink! I was very pleased; I had made my presence known!!

As the limo attempted to make its way down the street, with a entourage of police and security I notice Regan running frantically along side the car with my banner in tote.  This girl, who was supposed to have a serious back injury, chased that limo down the two city blocks and around the corner long after other fans had let it go.  I stood there thinking, "OMG!  What a loser!"

So, I stood and waited for her to return.  I waited, and waited and for variety I waiting some more.  After about 45 minutes I decided to go to check point number 1, The New Yorker hotel.  There, I saw some of the friends I had met earlier, including Pete.  There were about 6 of them in total, the good friends I met were: Emily, Tina, Veronica, Jason, John and of course Pete.  They told me that they were going to take a limo ride to Michael's hotel and would I like to join them.  I said I would love to but I was looking for Regan.  Someone told me that they had seen her just a few minutes before hailing a cab.  This from the one that is too broke to buy herself lunch!!  I confirmed this fact with a couple of people and Pete then asked me again me to come along with them.  Again I declined and went into the New Yorker and left my name at the front desk.  As I stood in the lobby looking at my potential friends piling into the white stretch limo, I thought, "To hell with this!" and I booked it across the street yelling, "Wait for me!!!" That was the best decision I made on the whole trip.  Oddly enough within a few days I would make the worst decision of my life.

We rode our limo for about 5 dollars each and as soon as we exited, we hopped on a horse and buggy!  We were having such a ball!  When we returned to Michael's hotel we chatted at other fans, made finger gestures at the police (who were really quite nasty to everyone there, including blowing cigarette smoke directly into my face!) and waited for Regan to return, as this was point B for separation.  I just knew that she had taken off to Central Park and figured that sooner or later she would have to return.  At around 3:00 a.m. I asked someone who had just returned from the Tavern on the Green if they had seen Regan.  (She was quite distinguishable to most others at this point due to her ridiculous shirt, bad attitude and nasty body odor!)  They acknowledged that she had indeed been there but had left about one hour before!  So where the hell was she??  I figured that she was angry with me for not going to Central Park and buggered off home, which in the end was exactly what she had done.  My friends Emily and Tina were good enough to offer me a place to bunk with them for the night, so I took them up on it. 


The next day from the lobby I attempted to contact the crack bag with no luck, so I went with my new friends to see lady liberty.  I thought I would try again later that day but was not too concerned as we both held passes to a big fan club party that was to start at 4:00 p.m. that afternoon.  I was really quite miffed with this one as I had no charge in my video camera and no fresh clothes to wear, but I thought I would be amicable just enough to go get my stuff and then book into the New Yorker with my new buddies!

Well, 4:00 p.m. came and went.  I had a ball at the party, hanging with my girls and watching that incredible Navi perform. Navi was the headliner for the party that was hosted by a UK fan club by the name of Michael Jackson News International (MJNI).  Navi is by all accounts the best Michael Jackson look-a-like performer in the world.  He was just phenomenal, and he was also very nice, as it would turn out!  So, after about 4 hours with no Regan in sight, I decided that I should probably go and use the payphone to call my husband and verify that I had her correct number.  I was actually beginning to worry that something might have happened to her.

I placed a collect call through the AT&T operator and as soon as I heard my husband's voice, I knew something was wrong.  He completely broke down on the other end of the phone asking where I had been.  I realized right then and there that Regan the WACK had contacted him to tell him we were separated.  Little did I know that not only had this girl decided to contact my family but she had also fabricated an incredible lie to get more attention to herself.

The story I received from my husband was such:  Regan had returned home at 7:00 a.m. after looking all night for me, at hotels, hospitals and at Madison Square Gardens, where she ditched me in the first place.  She called Robert immediately stating that I had been "swept away" by the maddened crowd and that she was sure she had seen me taken from the sight in an ambulance.  She assured him, that had I been injured or mugged at the scene that my identification would surely be ripped from my body and that he should be calling the local hospitals and morgues for a Jane Doe.  Then, it was her contention that she spend countless hours and money in her search for me, when in reality later that day at around 2:30, my sister called for an update and found Regan was having a nice afternoon nap!!  During that conversation, Regan said to my sister "Don't worry, if the worst has happened, like Jilli's head had gone rolling down the street or something, I have her banner and I will make sure Michael gets it!"  Needless to say, this girl was off her rocker!  My husband issued an all out missing persons report and this nutcase decided to circulate ridiculous flyers that not only published my own private home telephone number but went on to describe what she was wearing and that we had a nice banner!

After assuring both my husband and my little sister that I was actually ok and unharmed I promised to call a car service to take me back to Regan's house to gather my belongings.  When I hung up the phone, I was pretty much in hysterics myself.  I went back upstairs to advise Emily of the situation - and from just looking at me she immediately knew something was wrong.  When I told her what had happened, she told me that she would accompany me, giving up the party and her own free time.  Twice now, I realized that Emily was a fine person and someone who was really worth her weight in gold.

We went outside to speak with the four security guards who were stationed at the entrance to the building, and I advised them of the situation. They responded with the information that they had received, which included notification from the NYPD.  I apologized profusely and took the information about the car company they had given me back to the pay phone.  After arranging for a car, I had 1/2 to wait so we decided to go back to the party and explain to my new friends what was going on.  When I arrived, I was told that Regan was there and I was just announced as a missing person to the party!

I was livid.  I can't recall a time in my life when I have been angrier.  I looked towards the stage and there she was, at the side having the time of her life!  I marched right over to her and tapped her on the shoulder.  She turned, looked me right in the eye and then turned back to the stage!!  I grabbed her shoulder then and spun her around to face me! Now, what was she going to do? 

She looked at me up and down and then said, "Oh Jilli.  Where ya been?"

"Where have I been?"  I said in disbelief, "Where have I been!  I'll tell you where I'm going! I'm going to get my stuff from your place! Will your landlords let me in?"

"Wha? I? What's the matter?" was all she could muster.

"Will your landlords let me in?" I screamed, "Forget it, I'll bust in!!!!"

With that I turned on my heel and headed for the door.  I was shaking so badly.  I was once told that the definition of stress is when the mind over rides the body's basic desire to strangle the shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it."  Looking back on this event, I think this is true!!

Foolishly as I stormed out of the party, with Emily beside me, Regan followed all the while trying to get my attention.  I repeated a simple phrase over and over, "Get away from me Regan, I'm very angry and I don't know what I might do!"  She didn't listen.  When I got to the top of the stairs, Regan made to unwise choice of grabbing my arm to try to make me talk to her.

I spun around, and waving my finger in her face and still screaming spat, "What the hell is wrong with you calling my family? You had no right to call my husband and scare him the way that you did!  What are you? Insane? Everyone in this room knew where I was, all you had to do was ASK SOMEBODY!" 

Suddenly there was a light shining brightly in my face and I realized that a camera crew was taping this conversation.  I had no intention of disrupting the awesome party that MJNI was throwing any further, so with that, I ran down the stairs attempting once again to get away from this wackjob!  Still, she followed.

When I exited the building I was furious as hell and ready to get violent.  This was the first and hopefully the last time I will ever feel this way.  On my way out, I gave one of the guards a look that told him there might be a scrap, he returned my look with his knowing one and moved a couple of feet closer to where I stood.

Still, Regan persisted!  She continuously stated that she didn't know what I was mad about and that I should calm down.  I cant even remember what I was yelling at her, but the fight lasted about 20 minutes for the most part with me screaming obscenities at her that I am sure Michael Jackson could have heard from his hotel room half a city away!  In the end, Regan gave up and asked a security guard if she could use the phone.  Holding his breath from her disgusting stench, he pointed her down the street then gave me a wink to say, "As if I'd let her back into the club!"

Soon after, the car arrived.  The hour long ride back to Long Island was filled with my new friend Emily and I talking about how absolutely nuts the situation really was.  She was really good to me on that ride; she made me laugh and calmed me down.  As we rode down the street to Regan's apartment, I realized that she had given my husband a bogas address, at now, at 10:00 at night, I had to make the driver go up and down the street until I recognized the place.  It wasn't too hard though; Regan had made it easy by throwing all of my belongings out on the lawn.  When we pulled up, we could see her standing behind the door, through the glass, and when the car came to a stop, she ducked down under the window.  I found this actually quite amusing! Was she afraid of me? GOOD!  I mean, if I were ever to get into a fight with someone there would be two hits, they would hit me, and I would hit the floor, but at this point, she sure didn't have that piece of information!

I realized as I was gathering my things that were strewn over the lawn, that she had not included everything.  The first thing that I noticed missing was the banner.  I thought, "Oh no you don't lady!"  So, I banged on the door and told her to hand it out, along with some missing makeup.  At the time, I did not realize that she was also withholding my brand new jacket.  Regan did not answer the door - so I rang the doorbell. Still now answer, so I rang the doorbell again and again.  I continued with the doorbell until I thought I might drive her mad, and then I realized, oh yeah, she already is!  Finally, I shouted through the door that I would be going to get the landlord. 

As I walked around to the front of the house, the landlord was on his way out.  He told me that this situation was something that he did not need as he had two young children in the house.  I thought to myself, yeah, I know, Regan complains about them all the time, and you for that matter, but I kept it in.  I told him that I was very sorry for the disturbance, and if I could just get my belongings I would be on my way.  With that he entered Regan's apartment to look for both my makeup and the banner.  He returned with the ladder.  Sadly, I never did get those few choice pieces of makeup back, but for the sake of $20.00 or so, I wanted to get the hell out of there and forget that I had ever met this girl!

I spoke with the landlord for a few minutes and he told me some very interesting facts, one of which was what time the previous night Regan had returned home.  He told me that at approximately 3:30 she had accosted him in the driveway asking if he had seen me.  I said to him, "you don't even know me" to which he replied, "Yeah, I know the girl is a little backward!"  Emily started giggling wildly behind me, which, in turn gave me the giggles.

With that we got back into the car and made our way back to the city.  All in all the round trip to Long Island cost $160.00 which in Canadian dollars amounts to $258.00!!  With that in mind, when Emily offered to allow me to stay in her room an additional night, I accepted with thanks!  We dropped off all of the stuff to her room, and after I quickly changed into some fresh clothes, we decided to catch up with our friends at Michael's hotel.  We arrived there at approximately 12:30 to find that everyone was gone.  There were a few people however who were eager to hear how the final events between the freak and myself unveiled.  It seemed that the yelling I had done in front of Webster Hall where the fan party was held had caught some attention!!  Emily and I shared the story and after about 45 minutes made our way back to the hotel to try and find Tina.

en we arrived, all we found was a note.  Emily looked at me and giggled, "She's in a room with two men!!"  "What?" I asked, knowing that Tina was only the tender age of 17, I was starting to ready myself to kick some ass! But, I could tell by Emily's demeanor that there was nothing to worry about!  We made our way around the corner to room 1842. Wow.  1842 - typing that number made my heart fall into my stomach.  That will soon be explained.  We knocked on the door, and were invited in by that familiar face.  Pete.  He smiled and hopped back into his bed, which it seemed he was sharing with another boy!

I had seen this boy before at Michael's hotel, he was very quiet and seemed rather shy.  Tonight though, he seemed to have the giggles about something unknown to us.  He reminded me instantly of my younger brother Ryan and I felt my heart swell.  He was so cute and sweet I just wanted to take him out and buy him a pile of cds and a skateboard!  I thought to myself how fitting that these two boys were sharing a room... but sharing a bed?  I got the distinct impression that they had made this decision to accommodate Tina who was sprawled out in her jammies in the next bed!  As we chatted for the next hour or two I looked around the room at the people who I was with and thought to myself, "I am in the best company! These are really great people!"  Now, my trip was coming to life!

After making a plan to get together the next day, Emily and I departed, leaving Tina in her bed and Pete and John (who's name I did not yet even know) sharing theirs.  Emily and I giggled into the night about those sleeping accommodations and if truth be told, I think I was the one who asked Emily if she thought the boys were "funny". Funny as in, "playing for their own team".  Of course, we never actually thought this, but we howled into the night at their expense.  My poor boys!


Part 2 - THE KINDRED SPIRITS

The next morning came very quickly with about 3 hours sleep!  Finally!  I had some clean clothes for a fresh day!  What a great feeling.  Our major plan of the day was to get down to a local music store where there were rumored copies of "You Rock My World", Michael Jackson's new single to be had on vinyl format. This was some serious information, as the single was not going to be available for at the very least another month.  What we were talking about here was promos!  The really rare stuff!   The fellow who had this information was from Scotland and he had apparently purchased one himself the previous day.  For my story, I am calling him Jason.  This fellow was funny.  I clicked with him instantly.  So, on this day, Sunday September 09, 2001, seven of us set out.  Emily, Tina, Pete, John, Jason, myself and some guy who's name I never got.  He was a little odd.  I'm not sure if he even spoke the whole day.  It makes me laugh to think about it!

In two taxicabs we set out, girls in one, boys in the other.  On our way, Tina, Emily and I made sure to flirt with some construction workers and have them pose for our cameras! We were having such fun already and on limited sleep!  When we arrived, for some reason we were a few minutes ahead of the boys and found that the store was not quite open.  I will refrain from stating the name of the store or of the owner, as in the end, this wonderful man gave us an incredible gift.  A gift he would get into serious trouble for.

There was a cat in the door that I spent the next few minutes filming while we waited.  Finally, the storeowner arrived, oddly along with the rest of our crew.  We sniffed around the store for the record in question when all of a sudden Emily started squealing like a schoolgirl!  We all rushed right to her side to find that low and behold, our girl had found an empty cd case for the single we were after! We all went nuts!  For about two minutes the storeowner protested and said that he did not know what it was or why he had it, but having softened from the excitement in our faces, he gave in.  "Alright" he said, "Stand back!"  With that yanked on a drawer that was located under the cd shelf and pulled out a whole stack!  How many did he have? 7!  One cd for each of us! We were just ecstatic!  We were dancing around the store and taking pictures and carrying on like preschoolers!  It was truly fantastic. Reflection tells me that it was one of the highlights not only of this trip but also of my life.

After tormenting this poor storeowner by making him take our photo and video taping the sale, we decided that this taste of blood in our mouth had just intensified the hunger.  We wanted more!  We continued our mission.  This man was good enough to point us in the direction of another store that would quite possibly have the vinyl and cd as well.    I think that we were drunk with the excitement. We were literally only 3 blocks from the next store but it took us over an hour to find it.  The quiet one was getting mad, while I giggled wildly with Jason from Scotland.  Little John still did not make a sound, but there was that something in him, which just made me want to grab him and tickle him until he screamed.  It had to be my "older sister" instinct kicking in!

When we finally found our way to the next store, the fellow behind the counter was extremely miserable.  I wanted to ask him if he enjoyed his job but I decided to keep my mouth shut. If we were going make any progress here, it wasn't going to be with this humorless creep!  After some serious lies and pressing the fool let it slip that their sister store which was located down the street did indeed have the singles! But, he stated, there was no way that they were gonna sell it to us, as it had not yet been released.  We all ran out the door falling all over each other, it was hysterical!  I'm laughing as I type this.

Here we enter the next store.  I took the responsibility of the cd counter while my friends went to the lower level to hunt for the vinyl version.  The fellow behind the counter at the cd singles was very nice, but claimed to know nothing about what I was talking about.  I knew immediately that he had them.  He was doing his job, but, man, he had them all right! 

Emily came skipping down the isle at me with her vinyl copy in her hands! I said, "Hey did you get me one?"  She told me that the guy downstairs was only handing out one per customer, so I made tracks winking at Em on my way and saying, "Work on this guy!"  I zipped downstairs as Jason was just leaving with his prize and told the guy that I was next, I wanted one too!  "That's it", he replied, "I just gave away my last one."  Before I could even reply he looked at me with a sad face and said, "Oh honey, I really did, I'm sorry!"  My face must have shown my shear disappointment.  I was so bummed, but I wasn't going make a big deal, cause I didn't want my friends to feel bad about their new treasures!  I went back upstairs and laughed it off all the while holding my lip out in an obvious silly pout!  Emily piped up to Jason, "Hey don't you already have a copy?"  With a sheepish look on his face, he handed me his!! I think my eyes were saucers, and he said to me, "I do have one, you go on and take it!"  I grabbed him and hugged him and jumped up and down saying, "Thank you thank you thank you!"  I think I even planted a kiss on his cheek.  The poor guy turned as red as a beet!

For the next 30 to 45 minutes we worked on the man behind the cd counter who continued to deny having any knowledge of the cd single in question.  Although after about 10 minutes we were fairly sure that he was never going to give into our demands, we found this harassment most amusing.  Finally, we let this man be but only after promising to tell every fan we knew that he had the single and would sell it.

Our next stop we decided would be FAO Swartz, the giant toy store where Michael Jackson frequented when in New York City.  What fun we had there.   I laughed hysterically at Jason, John and Pete playing with the toys and took part in an incredible magic display that roped three of us into buying magic kits.  I haven't touched mine... I wonder have Jason or John?

Because Emily, Tina and Jason were leaving on this day, we decided to go to Michael's hotel so that they could say goodbye to some of the other fans and perhaps get one more sighting of the superstar.  I was so disappointed that my new friends were going to be leaving on this day and before the second show!  I wanted to just grab Emily by the arm and say, "NO! Stay here, please don't leave!!" I also thought about tripping Jason so that he would break his leg and have to stay, but in the end, I just decided to film them all one last time.  When we returned to the hotel, Pete told me that he and John were planning on going to the Empire State Building and would I like to come along!  I was so happy that they asked me, and I told them yes right away. I vowed to myself at that moment I was going to make that John open up a bit!

We saw our friends to the bus and I made them hold up their cd and Vinyl singles to my camera. I watched sadly as the bus pulled away.

Sometime during the day, I'm sad to say I can't quite remember when, Pete and I had spoken about how he did not have a ticket for the second concert which was to be held the following night.  I was cursing myself for selling my second seat - which I had done on Thursday, when Regan told me that she actually had a seat for herself for the second show.  I told him that he should call one of the MJNI reps to see if there were any to be had, which he decided was worth a try.  So, after the bus departed, Pete and John went back to their room and I went to mine to change into something that was more comfy.  I went to meet them at their room and reminded Pete to make the call about the ticket.  Bingo! He was able to get himself a ticket and I was just so pleased! We would all be going to the show albeit in separate sections! We sat and chatted for a while, and to my surprise John spoke up and told me a bit about himself.  I did have to coax, but I was so pleased to hear him pipe up!  He had such a wonderful accent, the only problem I found was that I couldn't always understand it, as to my ears it was very heavy... as I'm sure mine was to him.  Soon after, we were ready to conquer the Empire State Building. 

We were only about 4 blocks away from the landmark and we stopped at Wendy's for a quick bite to eat along our journey.  Here is where I saw my first official New York lunatic.  Oh, actually only if we don't count Long Island.  This guy was in line in front of us and was having an all out argument with himself.  The scary thing is, I think he lost the argument.  I kept looking over at John who was making one of those, "Don't you make me laugh" faces.  He was just Ryan incarnate, I couldn't believe it!

When we reached the Empire State Building we were surprised to find that we had to go through security - with the x-ray conveyor belts and all. Being that I had the video camera on my shoulder and that I am an absent-minded fool, I left my purse behind.  I did not realize this until about 45 minutes into our visit.  The boys and I were on the observation deck for at least an hour - Pete and I doing most of the talking and getting to know each other.  We marveled at the city below and tried to see if we could zoom in on Michael's hotel, specifically his room.  I remember a couple of toilet jokes in there somewhere.  As I had mentioned I did realize at one point that I had left my purse somewhere unbeknownst to me, but luckily Pete, who was obviously granted a brain where as I was not, suggested that I probably left it at security.

We stayed up on that observation deck until we just couldn't stand the cooling temperature any longer.  Then, on our way back down, we stopped to reclaim my purse.  The security guards were hilarious and teased me harshly for being so scatterbrained.  Although, they waiting somewhat around the corner, I could just envision Pete and John shaking their heads at how silly I was!!

So, after a few minutes of laughing with the guards I was on my way back to the hotel with my new buddies.  We stopped along the way to talk with one of the fans that had preformed at the MJNI party.  This fellow whose name I have completely forgotten was an excellent dancer and Pete grilled him for a few minutes on how to do various moves.  Then we set off again.  We talked about what to do on Monday and again I thought to myself, "Man did I ever luck out in meeting these guys!"  I absolutely loved their company and was dreading parting ways with them.  Little did I know then what they would come to mean to me.

We agreed that the following day we would meet and hang out in Chinatown.  We separated at the elevator and I told them I would meet them at their room at some ungodly hour they had decided on - I think it was 8:30!!  MEN!

So here I was.  It was approximately 12:00 a.m. and I had a room all to myself.  I thought, "Wait a minute! I have this room all to myself!! I'm alone here...RIGHT ON! I can have a shower without asking anyone!  I can blare the television without it having to be Michael Jackson!  I COULD EVEN DANCE AROUND NAKED IF I WANT!!!"  It was great! I had a shower and then started organizing though some of my luggage, which was still recovering from being chucked out on the lawn.  I watched "The Accused" on television and fell asleep at approximately 3:00 a.m.

My alarm woke me at 7:45 and I found that I was not even tired; I was raring to go and couldn't wait to see the boys!  When I arrived to their room, I decided to start the camera rolling immediately! It may have well been Michael Jackson in their room, as all the camera caught was a hand and a voice saying "Put it away".  Silly boys!  Peter wasn't quite finished fussing with his hair so we stayed there chatted for a while.  John was right in the conversation now, and I was happy that he seemed comfortable.

When we reached the sidewalk I suggested hailing a cab, but Pete, being a man, suggested that we save the money.  I asked them if they had yet taken the Subway to which they said no, as they were told it was dangerous!  BAH!  I knew they could not leave New York City without riding the train at least once, so we headed for Penn Station, which was literally just steps away!  What a ride that was.  First, we missed the stop, so we turned around and then.... We missed the stop again! As a tour group, we were useless.  I suggested since we were there anyway that we check out Wall Street.  That was pretty much a bore.  After all of our subway adventures we ended up in a cab to Chinatown after all.  Once there, we decided to stalk the cd stores to see if perhaps they would have and be willing to sell the promo cd of "You Rock My World".  Sadly, nobody did.  Pete suggested that we find some lunch in town, but shortly afterward we found ourselves in one stinky place.  You couldn't go anywhere to get away from the smell.  John pulled his shirt up over his nose, which made me giggle wildly.  I was hoping that someone would puke just to improve the air quality!  Needless to say we decided we would not eat here and grabbed a cab outta there!  Next we decided on Times Square. 

This cab driver was nuts! For the first time since I had arrived in the city, I wanted to throw myself out of the back door! I think we had about 3 near misses!  John was in the front with Pete and I in the back.  I kept looking at Pete and we couldn't stop giggling!  I even pretended to claw at the door, but the humor was lost on the driver.

We jumped out at planet Hollywood where we saw a posted sign for a "Michael Jackson Look a Like contest".  Immediately we went in to inquire as my handsome new friend Pete had the whole "Thriller" thing going on!  We were told that we had just missed it! How disappointed we were, Pete might have won more tickets to the show!  Oh well to bad! We carried on and did some shopping, or, I did some shopping.  No, actually if I remember correctly I think my little John did me proud and bought some clothes!  At some point I remember that we stopped at McDonalds while here in Times Square.  I just had to show the boys this place, as I had been before with Regan the loon and thought it was one of the best places I had seen.  With the Statue of Liberty painted on the wall amongst the shining lights of Broadway and the miniature NYC model in the middle of the dining area it really is a sight to see!

While we were in a souvenir shop the sky opened up and it started to pour.  There we were, three silly tourists suck in a small shop waiting for the rain to end.  Logically, I bought some sunglasses that made John roll his eyes!  Soon enough we were brave enough to exit with a mild drizzle still hitting the pavement.

IT has now been a month since I have started to write this story and sadly I have forgotten some of the detail of this day.  I do know that the next place I went with my boys was a very interesting restaurant called Mars 2112.  Regan had initially told me about this place but I would not have had near the fun I did had it been her that I shared it with.  We had planned to go in only for a drink and the atmosphere but were told that there was a minimum to spend. So, along with our drinks, Pete and I decided to share an order of quesedillas while Mr. John opted for a piece of chocolate cake! :)  That still makes me giggle.  At one point he discovered a mysterious item on his plate and we laughed hysterically about what we thought it might be after I had so graciously offered up a possibility!  I will leave that bit between my boys, and me - but it was one of the best laughs I have ever shared. As a reward, it was followed with a raging headache. Before we ate we had shared some games in the arcade that was inside the restaurant, and we followed up with more of the same.

Sometime during our second bout of car racing, I started having an intense feeling of dread.  I realized that we were nearing the end of our day together and that this would be the last.  Although I had only just met these boys and had spent very few hours with them, I couldn't bear the thought of parting ways.  With John it felt as though I might be sending my own precious brother Ryan on a plane to Ireland where realistically, we may not meet again.  And with Pete, it was something different entirely.  Something I still don't understand, nor can I recognize.  I'm not sure if I can even say the feeling was worse, but I guess I just cant describe how it was I felt about him, and still do.  There's a connection there that I have not ever had with anyone.  Not anyone.

Anyway, continuing with my story... we made our way back to the hotel on foot and I still swear to this day that we passed Sandra Bullock on our way!  I looked at her and my jaw hit the pavement! She looked right back giving me a sweet smile and a wink.  Neither, John nor Pete witnessed the exchange and true to my stupid nature I was dumbfounded for about 10 seconds, by which time it was too late to start chasing the poor woman down the street.  Soon enough however, we would all see a man who has become a celebrity in our hearts!

As we walked it started to pour rain once again.  I was talking with Pete and John kept his signature one step behind and I think I was telling him about how I had squashed the fadora I was wearing to Friday night's concert.  Suddenly, this crazy man comes walking past us as I say to Pete in my story, "Oh no!"  For some reason unbeknownst to us, he looked right at John and screamed, "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  It will never be as funny to anyone else as it is to us.  I still crack up every time I think of it.  As Pete and I continue to speak on a daily basis, we can always make the other crack by imitating this man, regardless of what the conversation at hand is!!!  :)

As we continued on our way we talked about the possibility of my extending my stay by a couple more days.  I thought this was a fine idea and decided to contact my dad as soon as we got back to the hotel.  When we did, I was unable to get in contact with him and only his answering machine.  I tried contacting the airline and they did inform me about the flight loads and the policies involved in changing my flight.  The only problem was not being able to get in touch with my employer.  It wasn't going to work.

I quickly changed into the concert outfit that I had packed for this night.  As I was doing my hair, I looked at my brand new outfit, the outfit I had never worn - and I decided to take it off.  It was a stunning low cut black top with gold sparkles throughout that I was wearing with a matching skirt and heels.  It was perfect.  Still, I changed my mind.  Instead, I put on a shirt that I had worn previously on the first night I had met my friend Pete.  He told me that he loved that shirt.  That was enough to put aside the new clothing that still hangs in my closet to this day waiting for its maiden voyage. 

Had I known at the time that this red sparkly shirt would turn out so sheer in photos that the whole world knew I was wearing a silver bra, I would have just flung the sucker out of my 18th story window!  Nonetheless, I continued to get ready by making myself sparkle with Michael moon dust from head to toe!  I was rewarded by John for all of this effort, with the comment of, "Jesus!" and an exasperated rolling of the eyes!  Just like my little brother, I thought! I shake my head now with delight, at the memory!  Pete, being the sweetheart that he is assured me that he thought I looked great.

The three of us set out for the concert together and once arriving went our separate ways to our seats.  I was curious to see if Regan would show her face there, knowing that her seat would be only a few rows ahead of me.  She did.  As I sat waiting for the show to begin, I made friends with the young lady beside me and her company.  They were from Holland and I was very pleased to make their acquaintance.  The young ladies name was Sandra.  I gave her a briefing on my adventures with Regan and she was very intrigued.  Shortly afterward, Regan showed up.  She turned to look right at me and with the character from within that I have not known before I gave her a cutthroat gesture that was meant to let her know I planned to kick her ass.  Sandra caught on immediately and shook her fist at Regan as well.  I just burst out laughing!  Regan took off. I did not see her again for the rest of the show and hopefully for the rest of my life.

During the show, I was video taping along with many other fans in my area.  We all had agreed to "watch each others back" as there was a very mean guard that kept coming around telling us to put the cameras away.  Because mine was small, black with no tv preview and no indicator light, the fool never even knew that I had one.  But he was really harassing the fellow who was in front of me.  At one point, after he had caught him filming about 3 times, he threatened to throw him out.  I told the fellow, "He's not gonna put you out! I wont let him... SANDRA wont let him! We all stick together, then what is he gonna do?  There's only one of him and like 50 of us!"  The news of this spread through my section like wild fire and all of a sudden there were about 15 cameras up in the air catching Michaels last three songs!  Our camera nazi returned yelling, "Put those cameras way! PUT THEM AWAY! YOU WILL ALL BE THROWN OUT!"  We all yelled back in unison, "NO!"  I don't think he knew what to do. There was a cheer and then more cameras popped up in the section to my left. Mr. Camera Nazi probably went home and cried to his mama that night! It was so funny and so great!  Mike split his pants on stage that night and I thought it was precious!

After the show I made my way to the parking garage where I had arranged to meet Pete and Joe.  Soon after I arrived so did they.  I asked them if they minded going to Michaels hotel, so that I would have a chance to say good-bye to some of the people I had met.  Although I could tell they were not to keen on the idea they were sweet enough to accompany me.  There was one fellow in particular that I wanted to hunt down to say good bye to, and I was also hoping to give a security guard my banner to pass onto Michael.  I was lucky to be able to accomplish both tasks!  The fellow that I wanted to contact was from Denmark - his name was Mark.  We have since shared emails and I am so glad I decided to go on the hunt for him!

When I went back to the hotel with my boys, I invited them to my room to keep me company as I packed up all of my things.  I was dreading the goodbye.  I believe when we reached my room, it was around 1:00 am.  I was to get up and out the next morning by 7:30 so logically I should have been going to bed, but I could just not bring myself to part with these two.  I just could not, and still cannot believe the bond we shared.  1 am became 2 am. 2 am became 3 am and so on.  Finally, at around 5:30, when the three of us could hardly keep our heads up or our eyes open, I told them to go back to their room.  Pete told me that he did not want to say goodbye and I told him I felt the same.  We stood at the door of my room for another half an hour.  John became really brave all of a sudden and announced, "Im gonna take a big step!" and he put his hand on the door handle.  Where it stayed... on the handle... without moving.  This was really hard. SO, I promised the boys that I would right them each a letter that they could wake up to and then had a slight epiphany.  From the dresser, I grabbed an action figure that someone had left behind before me and I gave it to Pete.  I told him that the toy was very important to me and that I wanted him to take care of it but then to bring it back to me.  He promised.  Next, I grabbed my fedora from the chair and gave it to John.  I gave him the same instruction to which he also responded with a promise.  Pete told me to open my curtains so that they could see me once again before going to bed, as they were located across the courtyard.  I agreed to that.  I filled my arms first with Pete, and then with John.  Then, once again with Pete and I sent them on their way.

As I went across the room to the curtains, I reflected on how I had told pretty much everyone I had met about my logic to refuse screaming "Michael I love you!" I believe that the word love is flung to easily this day in age and that its meaning is diminished.  However, at this moment I came to realize that love was exactly what I felt for these two.  A powerful love that would carry me the following day in a way I never thought possible outside of a novel or a Hollywood film.  I raced around the room in search of a pen and paper and scribbled in large back letters to hang out of my window: 
I LUV U TWO

Johny first came to the window and blew me a kiss.  I laughed in delight and disbelief at this surprising gesture coming from a boy who was embarrassed by my showings of affection and who recoiled slightly at my strong hug goodbye.   Then Pete came to the window.  He shouted that he could not make out the letters on the sign - so I gestured them for him.  Still he did not understand.  So, I stuck my head out of the glass and I yelled at 6:15 am... "I LOVE YOU TWO!" and then I blew him a kiss.  With very quick movements, Pete returned the kiss and ran from the window frame.  In one blur of a second - he was gone.  I drew the curtain and lost my composure... for just a minute.

As I prepared to go to bed for the full 45 minute nap, I decided to reopen my curtain but it was too late, the boys had closed theirs. Still, I turned in my bed so that I could fall asleep looking at their window.

7:00 came faster that I could close my eyes and I was ready within a few minutes to go.  I sat down to write the letters I had promised, but found it to be a very challenging task.  In the end, I decided to write just one for the both of them.  I was forced to start again twice as my tears kept bluring the words and thought to myself, "That's really great Jillian! This is how you on less than one hours sleep!"  I knew then as I do know that it was not the lack of sleep that was bringing the tears.  Having finished the letter, I made my way downstairs to check out and buy a photocopy so that each of my sweet guys would have one.  As I tucked them into envelopes an irrational thought popped into my head.  "Pete is getting the original.  Will John be offended? His is the copy!" So to make sure (in my mind) that John understood he was just as important, I drew little hearts all over his page, and action I would later regret thinking perhaps I might have sent the wrong message!  Ha ha!

Before I left the hotel, I visited the hotel room that held Peter and Jonathan sleeping soundly in their beds.  I left them a note that told them to pick up their letters at the front desk and planted a kiss for each of them on the hotel door.  It tasted like shit! But it was worth it.  I wish I had kept a copy of that letter, as I am sure, looking back that it was some serious drivel based on an over emotional chick with less than an hours sleep!

I once again made my way to the lobby and was soon boarded onto the super shuttle bus;  the bus that would start the most terrifying journey of my life.


Part 3 - FIRE IN THE SKY

It is hard for me to begin this part of my story.  All of the rest has been done in my office but for this - I have come home.  I sit here at my PC with a picture on my desktop up all the friends I made in New York City.  It is my favorite picture.  It is from the shop where we bought our promotional compact discs.  I am speaking my story now through specialized software, as I find it will be difficult enough to think through my remembrance of this day.

On my ride to the airport, the bus driver stopped to pick up another Michael Jackson fan.  We laughed about the concerts and talked about our stay.  It was a very pleasant ride indeed.  When I arrived at the airport I found the Air Canada counter immediately.  It took me only 20 minutes or so to get to the front of the line to check my bags.  Before the gentleman behind the counter could wave me through, a security guard approached me and the other people in line behind me.  He told us that there had been an accident.  A plane had gone down and that meant that the airport would not be allowing any flights to leave until further notice.  One man asked how long that would be and was told it would be approximately 3:00 p.m. before we had any news. 

I was asked if I would like to check my luggage but decided I had better not.  I was actually thinking this was really great news - well, about the delay!! Perhaps I would be stuck here for a day or two longer and be able to stay with the boys after all.  I made a beeline for the public phones and called my mother immediately.  I told her what was going on and asked her what I should do.  She said the best thing would be to wait and see if my dad called while I was on the phone with her and we could ask him.  During our telephone conversation which lasted approximately fifteen minutes I recounted some of my adventures to her and found it rather strange that many of the people that were beeping in on the line where my family members.  Although I thought it strange I had no idea what was happening so very close to me. 

Suddenly, someone in the airport started to scream.  People dropped their luggage and I heard all around me the command to evacuate.  I still didn't know what was going on and I said to my mother on the phone, "They are saying we have to evacuate! All I heard was her voice saying, "Go!" - but I heard fear.  Before I could say anything else they were several sets of hands pushing me from the phones.  People were piling up the doors and falling on each other.  One lady fell and was stuck in the door and no one stopped to help her.  I didn't know what to do so I followed the rest of the crowd.  We were all herded into the airport parking area that at first visited when Reagan took me to her car.  There were people on cell phones crying, there were police officers telling men in cars to turn off their radios and there were hundreds of people coming down the ramps.

I saw a cab and attempted to hail it.  He told me there is nowhere to go.  "Manhattan has been closed down!" he claimed.  I ask him why. He looked at me in disbelief and answered, "We under terrorist attack!"  I don't remember the cab driving away or what I did next.  What I do remember is the word attack ringing in my ears.  There had to be a mistake.  This could not be right.  I remember at one point one or two aircrafts flying overhead.  We could not see the aircrafts but could only hear, and from what I could tell they sounded like small planes, which I have since been told where U.S. military airplanes.  People became so frightened that they jumped from the ramps and dove under cars.  I remember watching this standing away from the crowd and I began to shake so badly I thought my legs would get out from under me. 

I don't know how long I was there in the parking area or if anybody spoke to me.  I remember walking to the hotel when the airport security told everyone that the parking area also had to be evacuated.  I saw on my way  - a lineup for public telephone that reached around the block. 

When I arrived at the hotel I was told to put my name on a waiting list for the possibility of a room that would cost $500.00.  So I did. And I sat. And I waited.  There was a television in the lobby and somebody turned it on.  Soon however, an officer came and instructed that the television be turned off, but not before I saw the building with smoke pouring from it.  I must have heard someone mention that it was the World Trade Center because I remember thinking, "Oh no not again!"  As I sat and waited the anxiety of the situation and the lack of sleep the following night began take its toll.  I started to lose it.  I put my sunglasses on and try to pretend like nothing was wrong but I was on the edge of hysteria.  I kept rubbing my face hoping that I could get to the tears away before anyone was the wiser.  I decided to bury my face in my hands and hide.  I don't know how long I sat there crying like an idiot before I felt a hand on my shoulder and someone pulling me to them.  I looked up and saw the face of a woman whose name I never got.  She was of East Indian culture and was dressed in a beautiful pink Sari. She padded my hair and told me everything would be OK.  She didn't know me and she didn't know why was upset other than the obvious, but she took care of me and I will never forget her for that. 

As people continued to move in and out of the building, I heard someone shout a plane went down at Penn station. 

For my 23rd birthday a friend and I decided it would be fun to ride a sky diving simulation attraction.  This ride takes you up 28 stories by a cord that attached to your back.  You are instructed to let that cord go when it is your turn to fly.  Although I am a thrill seeker by nature when I started the drop, my whole world turned red.  I went blind with fear.  Right then, at that moment, in the hotel lobby, this happened to me again.  As my vision turn to red I thought I would become maniacal. I stood up and started yelling that I had to get to Manhattan.  I demanded to know who would take me to Manhattan.  The lady by my side tried to calm me and to get me to sit down but I couldn't do it.  The New Yorker hotel where my boys were still asleep in their beds was only step away from the place I now believed was under attack.  I was out of my head.  A man I did not know approached me and told me that there was one train running from Queens to Manhattan.  He told me to get on a bus that was loading up the street, taking people to the YMCA that was located in Queens.  From there he believed I could find the subway.

I vaguely remember this bus ride but I do remember speaking to the driver as I exited the bus.  I told him I was going to Manhattan and asked would if he would please point out in which direction the subway was.  He told me he did not think I could get into Manhattan, but that if I were to try I would need to get on another city bus - and he pointed me in the direction to where that bus stop was.  I walked only a couple of blocks.  When the bus arrived I asked the driver if this was the bus that would take me to the train that would then take me to Manhattan.  He told me there were no trains running from Queens to Manhattan that I could take.  Right away he got up came down the stairs towards me and took my bag off my shoulder. He told me not to worry and that he would take me where I needed to go to get a train.  He was very kind to me and it would not take my money as I frantically searched through my change purse for the proper amount.  A young man certainly no older than sixteen moved from where he was sitting at the front of the bus and took another one of my suitcases to put on the seat beside me.  Looking back I realize that under different circumstances, I would have looked at this young man as a thug.  Shame on me.  I don't remember how long the bus ride was but I do remember when leaving the bus the driver asked me if I would be OK and pointed me in the direction I needed to go to get to the one train that was up and running to Manhattan.  I think I might have transferred at some point because the driver in my memory does not seem to be the same one.  There so much that I cannot remember from this day.  I do know that at this point I was in the Bronx.  The walk to the subway was approximately 20 blocks and I think when I arrived I was probably beginning to get a little worn out from the weight of my luggage.  I started to descend of cement steps and I vaguely remember a forceful hand on my arm.  I don't think I realized that I was falling before I landed on my largest bag at the bottom of the steps.  I jumped right back up and continued on my way thinking that someone for whatever reason had pushed me.  I now realize from my memory and from the bruising in the form of fingers on my arm that one of those fine New York residents had tried to stop my fall.  The only pain I remember was a sharp stabbing pain in my hip. But as long as I could keep moving I planned to.

I heard the subway trains and my tears started again.  I went to the man behind the glass and ask him if this was the train that would take me into Manhattan.  He exited the booth answered, "Yes, this will take you to Penn station."  I looked at him and asked, "Was Penn station not hit?"  He replied, "No, the World Trade Center was hit and a plane crashed in Pennsylvania as well as the pentagon."  Had not been so shocked with this news I would jumped for joy knowing that the boys were a little safer than I thought they were five minutes before.  As it was my jaw dropped and I asked him if anyone was hurt.  As he helped me with a bag and opened the gate for me to go through he said to me very gently, "Thousands are dead."  I stared him in disbelief.  I was obviously frozen in place as he gave me a little push and said, "Go!  There is your train."

I caught the train and when I arrived a Penn station it appeared that I was the only one getting off the train amongst hundreds of people pouring on to go in the opposite direction.  I struggled with my bags through the winding hallways and when I made it to of the escalators I found it was shut down.  I think that these 56 steps were the hardest of my life.  With my three bags I had to take a couple of breaks on my way up.  When I arrived at the top I found by my throat had closed ever so slightly.  I remember thinking in the back of my mind, "I hope that I am not getting a touch of my mother's asthma."  What I realize now is that there was debris in air that was causing my throat to close in combination with my strained climb, and my fall down the stairs.  I focused my eyes and the New Yorker and saw nothing else.  Only my memory that comes back slowly tells me that the streets were dead.  In this city that never sleeps you could hear a pin drop.  The only cars on the road were rescue vehicles and police cruisers.

I enter the lobby to find a huge line waiting at the counter.  I decided to get into it before anything else as I may find myself stuck without a room.  It took over an hour for me to get to the front of the line and when I did the first thing I asked was that the check in clerk contact room 1842.  "Please tell the occupants that I've returned and my room number." I instructed.  Its funny, but I have only just recently remembered that I saw Peter and John walk through the lobby while I was in line. I was in such a daze it felt like it was a dream and I just watched them go by completely stupefied.  I remember was that John was dressed in all black and Pete had a small bag in his hands.

I took all my things to my room than did an about face out the door.  I went down three flights to floor eighteen to find the boys were not there.  I left to note on their door telling them where I was.  When I returned to my room I looked at the clock by the side of the bed.  It was sometime after 7:00 PM.  I thought to myself I will have to fix the time - there was no way that could be correct, as I had left the airport at only 9:20 am or so. 

Immediately I phoned my mother.  My calling card had not been working during my trip so had to reverse the charges.  I heard my dad pick up the phone and when the operator asked for me to state my name; he started saying his name over and over in panic.  This started my sobbing all over again.  I cried so hysterically that I thought I might go mad.  He told me again and again, "it's OK."  He asked me where was and then said he was coming to get me.  Then my mom came on the phone and told me that my dad was calling Robert, my husband on the cell phone.  I turned on the television at some point and the news channels were replaying the scene over and over.  And repeated one phrase to my mother like I knew no other words, "It was so bad, it was so bad."  To this day, I'm not sure exactly to what I was referring.  She said, "I know honey. I know." 

I had left the door opened slightly in case the boys came, and while I was on the phone with her, someone came in.  I turned to see it was a man that I did not recognize. I had gotten so beside myself this man was coming in to see if I was OK.  I told him that I was fine and I apologized for the disturbance. He took my hand and said,  "There's no apology necessary."  I'm so embarrassed to think of it!

I spoke with my mother for about 30 minutes and told her I was waiting for the boys.  She told me she was sure they were safe and that they were probably with friends in another room.  At one point while I was listening to her voice and watching the television I said to her, "Oh my God! They were passenger planes!!!!"  She asked me, "You didn't know?"  I told her I didn't know anything I had just learned while in line that the World Trade Center towers had fallen.  I also learned at this point that the time on my clock was accurate.  It had taken me nine hours to return to the hotel that only took me 25 minutes to get away from this morning.


After getting off the phone with my mother I decided to take a shower.  I was experiencing some pain both in my hip and abdomen and I knew it was from the fall.  I could see a red mark on my arm from when someone tried to grab me.  Foolishly, I had the idea that a shower would wash away my fear, my grief and my panicked state.  I must to spend 40 minutes in that shower.  When I came out I changed into clean clothes and waited.  I sat on the bed and tried to watch something other than news.  My over tired state got the better of me and I fell asleep.  I woke to a knock on the door and jumped up so quickly that I got my foot tangled in this ridiculous leash that was attached to the remote control, which was normally on the bedside table.  I fell right to the floor.  Of course it was Pete and John on the other side of the door and they must have been thinking, "What the hell is she doing in there?"

I jumped back up and opened the door.  The first thing I saw was Pete and I grabbed a hold of him with both hands and hugged him tight.  I only let go to grab John and do the same. I don't know where I found my strength because everything inside me wanted to lose control again and start sobbing like a child.  But I didn't.  The last than I wanted to do was frighten the boys if they were not already frightened, which was unlikely.  I saw they were with a friend that we met another day by the name of Sara.  She is a very sweet girl and came into my room with the boys and stayed for about half an hour.  Oddly enough I remember John falling asleep on the bed and then remember talking to Pete but about what I don't know.  I know that we made a plan to get together the next day as I thought my dad and my husband would arrive in the afternoon.  Had I known that would leave them so early in the morning I would have asked them to stay.  As it was they left my side at 2:00 AM, with my coaxing.   I was starting to feel quite unwell, but I wasn't going to tell them that.  As soon as they left, I took some aspirin, assessed my damages and went to bed.

I knew this part would be hard to tell, but I had no idea the emotional toll it would take on me.  For all the good times that I have a New York and the wonderful friends and I made; nine nights out of ten I have nightmares about this day.  These are dreams too frightening to write on paper or to speak of out loud.  For that, I have cut my sleep time down to five hours or less.  What are the things I don't remember?  I hope I never find out.  I hope I never remember.  This part of the story was meant to cleanse me of my demons.

The next morning came with the telephone ring.  It was 7:30 AM and the attendant at the front desk was calling to tell me that there was a problem with my credit card.  Due to the missing person report, my MasterCard had been listed as stolen.  I told him that would straighten it out as soon as I came down in about one hour.  He said that would be fine and not to rush.  The next phone call came as I was exiting the shower-it was my dad.  He said to me, "We're in the lobby... let's get out of here."  I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions of relief and dread.  How could they have gotten here so soon?  How could I leave the boys again under the circumstances?  I didn't know what to do.  I called their room and woke poor John up. I told him that I would come to see him and Pete in about half an hour.  I told him my dad was here and that I would have to go. I went down to the lobby and met my husband and dad there.  They came back to my room with me and between them took my bags.

On the way down the elevator I asked about what I could do about my friends.  My dad said, "I don't know but we were leaving."  I said, "I'm going to have a hard time leaving them."  To which neither said anything.  I went with Robert to check out and while there I demanded that we extend Pete and John's room at least one more night.  I went back to where my dad was standing and told him and I was going upstairs to say goodbye.  I was really upset at the thought of leaving them.  I felt as though I might be leaving my own family members behind.  Then a thought crossed my mind... I could go up there and not come back.  What could they do?  They wouldn't know where I was!  But, as I rode the elevator upward I realize of course they knew where I was, as we had just extended the room reservation.  What a fool I was!

When I knocked on the door Pete let me in without thinking perhaps John did not appreciate the fact that he was still standing there in his underwear.  I try to make light of the situation.  I told them I was sorry I was leaving and I gave them both a big hug and told them to be careful.  I sensed some tension from John and I figured that he was angry with me for leaving.  I would've done anything to stay with them, but I just did not know what to do.  I think I stayed true to my silly nature until the door was closed.  When I rounded the corner to the elevator all those tears that I thought were long drying up found their way to me again.  My face must have been swollen and puffy by the time I got back downstairs.  I cried to my dad over and over,  "How can we leave them?"  He got to a point where he was almost crying himself and he said to me, "Go get them and let's go."

"Wait a minute!" I thought, "Wait a minute!  We could take them with us!  I could take them home with me... they can contact their parents and they could be away from danger!!"  But then I thought about the border.  We discussed this concern and my dad agreed that there was a chance they may not be permitted to cross with only their passports.  In the current situation they may be required to show a travel visa. 

So we left. I left. I evacuated the city without taking Peter. I evacuated the city without taking John. 

In that moment I made a decision that will never forgive myself for.  I would give it all up to make the other decision.  As it is, the boys are fine.  They got home to their families-to their mothers. But if they hadn't I don't know what would become of me.  It would be my fault.  I am so sorry.


EPOLOGUE

The days that followed were slow and tedious with my waiting for news that the boys could leave New York.  The call came on Saturday to my answering machine.

"Hello Jillian, this is Peter, we are going home now..." 

For my own sanity I have saved that message to cassette and it will remain in my memory box of NYC forever.

As I sit in wait with the rest of the world, to see if we will suffer another great war, I complete my story.  I hope that is has served its purpose as an explanation to those who have known me before these events. As to why I am altered.  Why I am not the same. To the new friends in my life, I hope the story has shown to them all the things I may not be able to clearly express.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of the souls lost in New York City.  The city that welcomed me with arms outstretched eager to show me its beauty. But while I mourn, I also realize something very important. Because of my time in New York City I am stronger.  I am more independent.  I know now that I am worthy of my own love.  My weeklong stay in New York City was a precious gift to me from God.

When I boarded the plane at Pearson Airport on September 05, 2001 all I could think about was Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson....  he is now so unimportant to me.